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What the fuck do I do now?

Fuck this. Brian and I are at a fucking block right now. He has cut me off completely. Moved all of his shit upstairs and moved the bull shit busted TV and shitty Xbox downstairs. I have no room. I'm doing some bullshit work first training shit cause I can't find a fucking job on my own and my car is still illegal to fucking drive. FUCK MY LIFE. I can't have one good fucking thing happen in my life. Me and Brian are probably over for fucking good but I cannot get over him and I can't fucking accept that because it doesn't feel right. This is fucking terrible. I don't know what to do. I don't have anywhere I can go. I can't fucking escape him. I feel like I'm seriously going to have a god damn heart attack. I'm so stressed out I'm getting migraines and aches in my chest. Idk what to do. I'm killing myself over here. X.X

Single parenting.

It's got it's benefits and it's down falls.
I was sitting here earlier doing Penny's new baby book since her original one burnt up and I just like broke down. I couldn't remember half the dates of all the things she'd done. And they were so many blank spots because it was like "about daddy" and just a whole bunch of shit like how did mommy and daddy feel when you were born.
I couldn't write anything even though I wanted to so fucking badly. Because she doesn't have a fucking dad.
And I wish so god damn badly that she did. Or someone to be her father. We have Brian but I'm not ready, he's not ready and our relationship isn't ready. I mean I guess I am because I love that man like I've never loved anyone before and I feel like he'd be such an amazing dad...an amazing dad to Penelope. But he's never really been in a serious relationship with a girl with a kid. So this is all new to him I guess. Idk. I'm just so at my end. I'm so hurt. I have Brian and I know he loves me but I still have this ache in my heart that 'll be there until I do have someone to fill that void as Penny's father and the other parent to help me love and raise my child. I know I don't need someone. But I want someone.
god this sucks.


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I'm just unlikeable or something. I'm so mother fucking tired of all these guys. Of all these people trying to use me as a crutch. You know I'm not that fucking strong. I want someone to let me lean on them for a while. Like an actual MAN who gives a fuck about me. I'm hurt as fuck right now and theres no one who gives two shits about it. My fucking daughter can't even care. Impossible.

Dear Myrtle Beach

I will miss you dearly.
I'll be back soon but the next two weeks will drag on, FOREVER.
I want to cry.
I dug my toes in the sand before I came up here and just stared out in the ocean for like an hour watching the reflection of the moon.
It's so beautiful here.
Everyone's happy.
Everyone talks to everyone.
No one's mad.
It's just chill.
I'll be back.
But it's gonna be mad hard to leave tomorrow morning.

Beach Bum

I'm back in my territory.
My natural habitat.
The beach.
It's amazing to be back here.
I cried when I went into the ocean earlier cause it literally just felt right, like I was back where I was ment to be.
I miss the salty air.
The feeling of the sea stuck on my skin.
The soft tan sand massaging my feet.
And Penelope absolutely loved the beach, smiling and laughing the whole time we were there.
Which makes me want to move back onto the beach even more.
We went to barefoot too and that was pretty chill. Ate at Bully's. They've got some pretty good food there.mmm.
But now I'm chilling in the hotel living room drinking wine coolers and watching waynes world with my sister.

Women and our looks.

Why is it that when a lady first gets into a guy or starts dating one, that we must must MUST look drop dead gorgeous for the first couple weeks or three months max and than slowly, very slowly, we wean the men off our great looks.
Eventually we're in our rattiest sweat pants, no make up, thrown into-a-scrunchie hair with our legs eagle wide on the couch with a tub of ben & jerrys between our legs.
We're masterminds at tricking guys into not giving a shit into what we look like.

Just updating.

So I got my tongue pierced.
I'm getting the jewlery changed in twenty eight days. Excited for that cause this bar is huge and my tongue isn't even swollen anymore.
I have a tattoo appointment one the thirty first of July. I'm getting my Kuromi tattoo on my shoulder. <3 It's gonna be soooooo friggin cute.
I'm gonna also have a picture drawn up to finish and fix my tattoo on my side of the sun and moon.
I'm going to Mrytle beach in a couple weeks which will be a much needed vacation by that time.
Justin has his own place so things with me him and his daughter are going much better now.
Works great.
Penelope is officially 25 and a quarter inch long, and sixteen pds and nine ounces.
She's getting huge!
She has successfully said Mama, No, and Boo. In that order.
She screamed no at me the other day actually lol, she doesn't like waking up early.
So life is so-so.
p.s. I so want some ben and jerrys ice cream.
Phish Food.

Hedwig and the Angry Inch tribute.

You were absolutely amazing last night.



Please honey, get the fuck over yourself.
The world doesn't revolve around your fat fucking ass bitch.
No one's interested in what you have to say.
You're just a easy piece of ass so anyone will pretty much listen to you and spread your shit until they get bored and than stick their dick in your open mouth.
Describe your ideal weekend.

Just a weekend at the beach.
Nothing special to it, just doing what I want whenever I want to. <3